In Limbo

Well my time is almost up at my job. I have two days left - not that I am counting or anything. I've struggled with feeling like I have been in limbo since I resigned. No one prepares you for the fact that once you resign from you job, you become completely useless to the people who once depended on you. I have a weekly team meeting on Wednesdays. Last Wednesday - yep no one showed up. Nothing like a big push out the door than everyone blowing you off on the same day. I should have another team meeting tomorrow, but have no expectations that anyone will dream of coming to meet with me. So, for the last two weeks I have struggled to remember why I even had this job in the first place. If the place was able to switch right into not needing me at all on a dime, perhaps the contributions I thought that I made were not actually that beneficial.

I've had the obligatory goodbye lunch, where my boss made everyone go around the table and tell me what they would miss about me. I am not one for big fusses, and luckily this wasn't too bad. While everyone had nice things to say - I mean are they really going to say something bad though in that circumstance - I was left wondering if I was leaving any lasting mark on the agency with the people that I thought really mattered, my staff, the direct service staff, and the families we serve. I can say that one family I worked with for two years would probably say I had a big impact on their life, but the the rest, I can't be so sure. This whole period over the past two weeks has really left me questioning those things. And again, I don't need/want a big fuss, but when you office goes from being grand central station to a ghost town over the course of a day, it is pretty hard not to take it too personally.

I had to say goodbye to one of my good friends at work today too. It was the first moment I felt choked up about leaving. I hope that we stay in touch. I supervised her for awhile, so there are boundaries there that prevented me from forming a really good friendship, but hopefully leaving the job will help this along.

So I am trying to shake off these feelings of doubt and get ready for my new adventures at home with the kiddos. It's hard for me to completely accept that this will be my new way of life until it really happens. J. is super excited, and when we talk about how many days of school he has left, he yells and then says, "And the crowd goes wild!" Little S., well if you ask her anything, she says "Ummmmm" so take that however you want to. I am trying to be excited about it, but this feeling of limbo, being caught between being a professional in the workforce, and being a mom to my kids everyday, has been preventing me from embracing either title since we started exploring the possibility of me leaving my job back in December. My mood, I'm not sure, it's tough to read, perhaps melancholy with a splash of optimism. I'll keep you updated (although who you is remains to be seen).

On a bright note though, I have started to be inspired by photography again. I became a little disenchanted in it, I think because I was losing myself in my career and what I thought I should be doing and being for so long, but I am finding my way back. When I have more time, I will start posting some pictures on this blog, but for now, you'll have to delight in just text.

New Endeavors

Lets catch everybody up out there in blogland (as if anyone is actually reading this) to what has been going on in my life over the past ten years. Okay, so it will be the cliffnotes version, but to really understand what a major life overhaul I have undertaken, a little perspective is needed. While I was in graduate school, I heard of this wonderful new nonprofit organization that was doing really cool things, and I wanted to be a part of it. I envisioned myself learning the ropes, becoming a supervisor, and then one day being instrumental in how the agency was run. As if it is that easy right? Well actually, for just this once, it was. I worked as a social worker for a year, became a supervisor, and then over the course of ten years, I experienced an annual change in my job responsibilities and titles, and began running services at the agency, until I was running all the nonclinical services that were offered. It was exactly what I always wanted. I loved the mission of the agency, I loved the work that I was doing, and the creativity it allowed me, as well as the chance to help other people in the process.

Over the course of those ten years, we adopted (my husband Bob and I in case anyone is actually reading this post) two children who are now 4 and 2. In the beginning, my job that I loved allowed me the flexibility to raise my kids by working part time in the office and two days at home. It was a great arrangement. When I had to go full time back in September 2009, I was able to handle it, because the place was so flexible with its staff. I loved my job, and could never imagine quitting. I worked on my days off, took the babies in to work with me during my maternity leave, etc. Fastforward to November 2009 when my boss, mentor, and overall inspiration resigned, leaving me feel all alone in my job, and having to prove myself to a new boss who wanted me to prove myself and my abilities. I understand this logically, but proving that I deserve a job that I had for ten years -- a job that I was doing well at -- was really tough on me. I was being a baby, I know that, but it was a big adjustment.

Then we found out that many of the flexible aspects of the job we loved were disappearing, and that my husband was going to have to start traveling more for his work. I know, I know, I should have been happy to just have a job. I was, but, this was more than just a job to me, it was me, it was a large part of how I defined myself, and to see it shifting so drastically was a bit unbelievable to me.

And so, I was faced with an impossible decision: stay at a job that I didn't love anymore, that didn't work with my life anymore, and that was making me loose time with my kids, or quit that job and stay at home -- something I said that I would never, ever do. Well - I quit. Three days ago to be exact, and I am scared, excited, nervous, regretful, and happy all at the same time. I don't know how I am going to define myself anymore. I love my kids, they give me a purpose, but I always wanted to be more than "just a mom" I know that a lot of people are going to bristle with that comment, but that it how I felt/still feel today.

But instead, I am putting the kids first. They deserve a less stressed mom who is home to put them to bed and read them stories, and hopefully I will give that to them. I feel like a major chapter of my life is closing, and who I thought I was doesn't exist anymore - I have no income, someone else is paying my way, and I am completely dependent on that person for my livelihood. Scary stuff for me indeed. But I thought it would be interesting to write about it. I have a lot of ideas, and a lot of plans, for how I am going to handle this new life of mine, and I am really interested to see if they pan out, and if things are going to be the way I envision them now, or will it look completely different in a year or two. So I hope you stick around and see me through this journey. I need all the support I can get.