In Limbo

Well my time is almost up at my job. I have two days left - not that I am counting or anything. I've struggled with feeling like I have been in limbo since I resigned. No one prepares you for the fact that once you resign from you job, you become completely useless to the people who once depended on you. I have a weekly team meeting on Wednesdays. Last Wednesday - yep no one showed up. Nothing like a big push out the door than everyone blowing you off on the same day. I should have another team meeting tomorrow, but have no expectations that anyone will dream of coming to meet with me. So, for the last two weeks I have struggled to remember why I even had this job in the first place. If the place was able to switch right into not needing me at all on a dime, perhaps the contributions I thought that I made were not actually that beneficial.

I've had the obligatory goodbye lunch, where my boss made everyone go around the table and tell me what they would miss about me. I am not one for big fusses, and luckily this wasn't too bad. While everyone had nice things to say - I mean are they really going to say something bad though in that circumstance - I was left wondering if I was leaving any lasting mark on the agency with the people that I thought really mattered, my staff, the direct service staff, and the families we serve. I can say that one family I worked with for two years would probably say I had a big impact on their life, but the the rest, I can't be so sure. This whole period over the past two weeks has really left me questioning those things. And again, I don't need/want a big fuss, but when you office goes from being grand central station to a ghost town over the course of a day, it is pretty hard not to take it too personally.

I had to say goodbye to one of my good friends at work today too. It was the first moment I felt choked up about leaving. I hope that we stay in touch. I supervised her for awhile, so there are boundaries there that prevented me from forming a really good friendship, but hopefully leaving the job will help this along.

So I am trying to shake off these feelings of doubt and get ready for my new adventures at home with the kiddos. It's hard for me to completely accept that this will be my new way of life until it really happens. J. is super excited, and when we talk about how many days of school he has left, he yells and then says, "And the crowd goes wild!" Little S., well if you ask her anything, she says "Ummmmm" so take that however you want to. I am trying to be excited about it, but this feeling of limbo, being caught between being a professional in the workforce, and being a mom to my kids everyday, has been preventing me from embracing either title since we started exploring the possibility of me leaving my job back in December. My mood, I'm not sure, it's tough to read, perhaps melancholy with a splash of optimism. I'll keep you updated (although who you is remains to be seen).

On a bright note though, I have started to be inspired by photography again. I became a little disenchanted in it, I think because I was losing myself in my career and what I thought I should be doing and being for so long, but I am finding my way back. When I have more time, I will start posting some pictures on this blog, but for now, you'll have to delight in just text.