New Endeavors

Lets catch everybody up out there in blogland (as if anyone is actually reading this) to what has been going on in my life over the past ten years. Okay, so it will be the cliffnotes version, but to really understand what a major life overhaul I have undertaken, a little perspective is needed. While I was in graduate school, I heard of this wonderful new nonprofit organization that was doing really cool things, and I wanted to be a part of it. I envisioned myself learning the ropes, becoming a supervisor, and then one day being instrumental in how the agency was run. As if it is that easy right? Well actually, for just this once, it was. I worked as a social worker for a year, became a supervisor, and then over the course of ten years, I experienced an annual change in my job responsibilities and titles, and began running services at the agency, until I was running all the nonclinical services that were offered. It was exactly what I always wanted. I loved the mission of the agency, I loved the work that I was doing, and the creativity it allowed me, as well as the chance to help other people in the process.

Over the course of those ten years, we adopted (my husband Bob and I in case anyone is actually reading this post) two children who are now 4 and 2. In the beginning, my job that I loved allowed me the flexibility to raise my kids by working part time in the office and two days at home. It was a great arrangement. When I had to go full time back in September 2009, I was able to handle it, because the place was so flexible with its staff. I loved my job, and could never imagine quitting. I worked on my days off, took the babies in to work with me during my maternity leave, etc. Fastforward to November 2009 when my boss, mentor, and overall inspiration resigned, leaving me feel all alone in my job, and having to prove myself to a new boss who wanted me to prove myself and my abilities. I understand this logically, but proving that I deserve a job that I had for ten years -- a job that I was doing well at -- was really tough on me. I was being a baby, I know that, but it was a big adjustment.

Then we found out that many of the flexible aspects of the job we loved were disappearing, and that my husband was going to have to start traveling more for his work. I know, I know, I should have been happy to just have a job. I was, but, this was more than just a job to me, it was me, it was a large part of how I defined myself, and to see it shifting so drastically was a bit unbelievable to me.

And so, I was faced with an impossible decision: stay at a job that I didn't love anymore, that didn't work with my life anymore, and that was making me loose time with my kids, or quit that job and stay at home -- something I said that I would never, ever do. Well - I quit. Three days ago to be exact, and I am scared, excited, nervous, regretful, and happy all at the same time. I don't know how I am going to define myself anymore. I love my kids, they give me a purpose, but I always wanted to be more than "just a mom" I know that a lot of people are going to bristle with that comment, but that it how I felt/still feel today.

But instead, I am putting the kids first. They deserve a less stressed mom who is home to put them to bed and read them stories, and hopefully I will give that to them. I feel like a major chapter of my life is closing, and who I thought I was doesn't exist anymore - I have no income, someone else is paying my way, and I am completely dependent on that person for my livelihood. Scary stuff for me indeed. But I thought it would be interesting to write about it. I have a lot of ideas, and a lot of plans, for how I am going to handle this new life of mine, and I am really interested to see if they pan out, and if things are going to be the way I envision them now, or will it look completely different in a year or two. So I hope you stick around and see me through this journey. I need all the support I can get.